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i cause myself too many problems

this medication is really working!!! holy shit!

I’m glad not many people can see this. I never get on tumblr but I really need to post something. I am clinically depressed. I am confused about my existence and I am not very specific about things. I try really hard to be okay. Some days are better than others and im thankful for the good days. I want to feel normal and not have to think about some of the stupid things that go through my head. I’ve done everything I can to try and make it go away. I’ve read positive books, forced myself to smile, wake up in the morning and tell myself that i’m happy and I love my life, and force myself to laugh at stuff. I don’t laugh very much I don’t think. I go through a lot of different feelings in one day. This morning I woke up and felt really scared and started crying for no reason at all. then I was fine for a bit and everything was fine before my short lived happiness went away. The only thing that really makes me happy is the taking back sunday cd tell all your friends. It’s not even my favorite cd. and most music generally doesn’t stick with me because it makes me feel weird. I just want to have fun again. I want to be with my friends and do stuff. I want to not ever be alone because I’ve deathly afraid to be by myself sometimes. To go through a day and have no one to talk to is terrible. I just need to keep fighting through. I’ll be on medication soon and my dad doesn’t know. my doctors appointment is april 5th and there will be a big fight if he finds out. I don’t care though. I tried it his way. self affirmations, and postitive books. It all makes me stressed out to the point where I can’t eat and I throw up atleast once a day. hopefully this medication helps me enjoy life again. I miss the me where I liked learning things, and trying new things and making music. I just want interest in all the things I use to love like music. If this is what they call growing up then I don’t ever want to. The last 4 months have had a lot of good in them, with a lot of great times, but they have also been filled with so many ups and downs in my mind that it burns me at the stake. I feel better now. I feel peaceful about things and im thankful that I have this feeling before I goes away.